Your blog gave me those words You gotta know when to hold ’em know when to code ’em shirt I felt I needed them as a permanent reminder so I had them as a tattoo, it reminds me every day to check what I say, before I say it, and to try and find the blessing in everything, even when it’s deeply hidden. Thank you for my daily reminder. Your books have been so important to me. I find I am calmer in the moments after I place your books down. The fact that it is at the level of discomfort and not searing pain is progress, indeed. Back then, I knew I was failing every single person in my life. I was failing as a mother, a friend, a partner, a sister.
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I was keenly aware of everyone’s You gotta know when to hold ’em know when to code ’em shirt. The weight of everyone’s disappointment was crushing, but I felt powerless to do anything about it. I’d try and overcompensate in other ways, but that never works. People know when they’re being offered cheap replacements for real love and connection. It was what I could do, though, given how sick I was. It was, in fact, my best. Not nearly good enough, but still my best. When I began to comprehend the enormity of the pain I’d caused, I can honestly say it was the worst feeling of my life. To know that I’d been an agent of harm to the people I love dearly, and to know I’d let my children down so spectacularly, was devastating. It didn’t feel fixable.